I was thinking randomly. Today had been a terrible day for me, and I can only hope it will not get worse..and pray tomorrow will be a better day. Then in my mind there lies a sea. 

I never really loved a sea that much. But today, I can’t stop thinking about a vast blue sea. The sea is deep blue, with a shining summer sun, in front of a golden beach. The white waves crack on the shore..it would be better if there is a solitary palm tree, beneath which lies two recliners.

Or it could be a sea in sunset, a pool of abstract colors, beneath purple-and-orange tinted sky. The palm is swaying and the waves crack silently, forming a plethora of colors. 

Or it could also be a sea in morning fog, cool and breezy, under a pleasant gray sky- or a sea at night, where it was really dark, and the waves crack viciously..but still pleasant.

If can, the sands must be golden and warm, and there is no one there- the sea is all mine. The sand is so thriving with life that there are many empty seashells, and the breeze are hitting my face. There are trees afar, and a shade under, where I can spend my day drinking milkshake and thinking about nothing.

There I will be left with the crashing waves. I can stand right on the border, and feel the wave taking the sand away from under my feet. Instead of getting scared, I would feel much better.

There alone. With no burden on my mind but silly questions…as I am free to watch the waves crack.

I have planned it all. I want to get engaged on a beach..to get married on a beach..to have my house built, all white, facing a big, empty beach..if can, I want to die on a beach.

....

I don’t know why problems come to me so fervently. It is so stressing these times- the city selection result, upcoming semester exam, the upcoming provincial selection, my recent defeat and failures. I would have a bad enough day without having this problem with you.

If I look back, everything seemed to be really beautiful- writing each other love songs and so on. I miss your song and your voice…as I hoped that the girl you meant in the song was me. Silly enough, but I did.

I just want to tell you that the reason is because I don’t want to lose you. Everytime I know I annoyed you or something, I instaneously feared the worst..that you may go anytime. I don’t know how not to.. but I will try not to do that. I am sorry if I irritated you, sorry for being such a nuisance. I know I phail. I am sorry for not being good enough for you. I can’t play piano or guitar. I know there are many others who are better than me, and I should have realized how lucky I was. Now I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best..that you will accept my apology. To be honest, you shouldn’t. I have hurt you so many times. Even if you won’t talk to me anymore, or leave me, it makes sense..I deserve it.

Either way, know that I will always remember you..as the first man who ever taught me how it feels to truly love, to be loved, and how I should never take anyone for granted.

...

Dream beach. 

I believe I will encounter my dream beaches: inside my heart, in the real world, along the way. Every place I come to will hold pleasant beaches, where I can be happy.. be it when I am alone, when I am with many people…or when I am with you. 

 

The question is: Why should people fall in love in the first place? No one expects it when they fall in love, yet it is always a moment to remember.

Falling in love brings you many things, and opens the world to you. Yet is is always absurd. You don't know when you fell in love, and you might not realize it for...years. :p But it is always the most beautiful thing in the world!

Today is May 17th, and it is a notable day. Not counting that it is Vesak day, OSK-announcement - 1 day, and exactly a month before my 16th birthday, it is also the birthdays of my lovely stepsister, my lovely debating soulmate, and a good junior high classmate. =D

The last 14th of May is suppposed to be my 7th monthsary. I didn't realize it until now since I was so busy but either wayy~

As I said before, love is an absurd thing. I look back at my own love experience and could laugh out loud at it because it is so silly. :p

I guess everything began in junior high school. Only now I see that I had always been in love with him all the time, for like...4 years now. I never thought of him more than as my best friend, but I didn't realize than he had always meant more than that. For that years, I unconsciously knew that I loved him...like the happy feeling that I get around him which I never got anywhere else, with my other best friends. Although I always shunned that feelings by then...I just realized how I loved him when we entered senior high.

He is all I dreamed to have. People would say he's not handsome, but I say he is. I love how he dresses...which is not as vicious as how I hunt for Zara tops of topshop heels...but he looks good (and smells good) everytime. xD He has the smoothest hair and sparkling eyes, and his arms are the best (weirdo). But he's smart, and I love when he teaches me chem. He plays guitar, which sounds amazing. He has curiosity, just like me. He mocks me and teases me like a brother, protects me like a dad, flirts, and understands me like no one else can. But the best thing that makes me fall in love with him is how we can talk bullshit from the Tiber river to spores to colors to Alexios V Doukas and feel sooooooooooo happy after! There's no one on the world who can share motivation, knowledge, and phailness with me like he does. :)

 After all we've been through, I just can't imagine how I could live without him.

He once lost a stabilo cap, and after tireless searching, it was not found. Then he picked the stabilo up and looks at it and caresses it like a child would do to a puppy, and said "Ah, poor one,", and he really looked like a kid by then. He's just tooooooo CUTE!!! xDD I'm not joking. I know my tastes are weird but..well, to each his own. xD

Love takes patience. Love takes two people that are together, and can't live without each other...without them knowing why. With him I see the world. xD There's something more romantic than "Baby, I love you," on 3 AM. Maybe I can start realizing that things like "Have you studied chem? If you don't understand, ask me, ok? ;)" is even more romantic than that.

:) have a good holiday everyone. xx

My all time favourite fictive character, after Jane Eyre and Elizabeth Darcy, is Amaranta Buendia.

Amaranta. I suggest you to read the novel first~ "One Hundred Years of Solitude," by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Either way, Amaranta, a woman with the bitter heart, cold as ice, resigning into solitude, afraid of love because of her cowardice, is just.....TOO COOL! <3

So when I got home from the tourney yesterday, I got a gift, which may be one of the good things that happened. A 3/4 guitar (which suits me since my fingers are too small), can be switched into electric mode, and classical. Before thinking for long, I decided to name her Amaranta. She will be my companion in solitude and bloody fingers. :p After two days, I can play the opening part of Romance d'Amour quite well, and I can play some simple songs. Still sounds quite bad but I'm really proud of it since I started from scratches. Either way, my fingers hurt now T.T

I got my constructive today from one of my adjus for the debate yesterday and I was really like OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SO IT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously. With all the caps. Because I just got enlightened but it is too late T___T I hope I can use my enlightenment for the next debates to come ^^

Many things are stressing me out. They said they're gonna just pick 3 per city for the city selection so that means the chances are quite slim. Numbers should get me optimistic, but I am afraid things are not as good as I hoped it'd be. I just wish, wish, really wish, God will not stop my dream. I honestly say that I waaaaant this so bad. And I don't want to be stopped- yet! Either way, many of our olympiad team will not get through...so early :( It makes me so sad, and lazy to study. But after posting I swear I will. I SWEAR I WILL.

Other things are going well. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'm gonna study until midnight or so, and then tinker with my new keyboard. And dear Amaranta of course. :p

One of the songs I'm learning now is Europe's I'll cry for you (acoustic). It's quite an easy song, but I choose it not only because it is easy but because it is what I feel for someone. =) Adios!

My last two days went perfectly ;)

I woke up on Saturday dawn and I was like, really happy! I was happy to begin with, and you know, morning weather sometimes affect your mood for the entire day. I really love those cool, foggy mornings after hard rain when it feels like afternoon instead of morning! It of course was really hazy and lazy so I had to literally drag myself out from the blanket to take a shower for school. Each class holds the christmas celebration and my class has that present-exchange! xDD I didn't get a good one actually but well~

After leaving school early, I went with my mom to pick some outfit. Then, salon and then going to my friend's birthday party down at Smile's!! I wore a Zara leopard-print one shoulder dress, Feela waist-length black military cardigan with buttons from the collar down to the bottom and a puff long sleeve. Plus glossy black diagonal-caged heels from Gosh, that makes me feel thousan times more sophisticated!!

The party went really well, wonderful and beautiful, and I was really happy for some reasons I won't say here :p Then, home~!


I was realy tired that today I woke up on 11. We had lunch at Smile's again >.< My parents -.- Either way, I somewhat feel really bubblegummy and picked up a plain sweet pink tees, inserted into a sweet greenish blue layered lacy skirt and a gray ankle heels. So I wore a gray half-length cardigan with puffy sleeve :)) and a thrifted bus-shaped bag! I absolutely LOVE that bag because it's pale gold, it has that colorful rainbow and a big 'EMILIAO' beside. It was KAWAIII <3

What really makes my day BOMBASTIC was when I shopped along with my mum I went by to Those Little Things She Needs and found my PERFECT PUMPS EVER.

It was black, and velvety, with the perfect height, perfect size. The tip was a bit pointy, but short, so it's cute, like Cissy's nose!! And it was so simply sophisticated! I LOVE IT. I got another pumps as well, a bit lower, and midnight-blue. It has blue posies in the front but the heels shape is cute!!!!


Going back to my task. Shall get everything seriously from tommorow. Till next time~