WHITE WAVES. GOLDEN SANDS.

I was thinking randomly. Today had been a terrible day for me, and I can only hope it will not get worse..and pray tomorrow will be a better day. Then in my mind there lies a sea. 

I never really loved a sea that much. But today, I can’t stop thinking about a vast blue sea. The sea is deep blue, with a shining summer sun, in front of a golden beach. The white waves crack on the shore..it would be better if there is a solitary palm tree, beneath which lies two recliners.

Or it could be a sea in sunset, a pool of abstract colors, beneath purple-and-orange tinted sky. The palm is swaying and the waves crack silently, forming a plethora of colors. 

Or it could also be a sea in morning fog, cool and breezy, under a pleasant gray sky- or a sea at night, where it was really dark, and the waves crack viciously..but still pleasant.

If can, the sands must be golden and warm, and there is no one there- the sea is all mine. The sand is so thriving with life that there are many empty seashells, and the breeze are hitting my face. There are trees afar, and a shade under, where I can spend my day drinking milkshake and thinking about nothing.

There I will be left with the crashing waves. I can stand right on the border, and feel the wave taking the sand away from under my feet. Instead of getting scared, I would feel much better.

There alone. With no burden on my mind but silly questions…as I am free to watch the waves crack.

I have planned it all. I want to get engaged on a beach..to get married on a beach..to have my house built, all white, facing a big, empty beach..if can, I want to die on a beach.

....

I don’t know why problems come to me so fervently. It is so stressing these times- the city selection result, upcoming semester exam, the upcoming provincial selection, my recent defeat and failures. I would have a bad enough day without having this problem with you.

If I look back, everything seemed to be really beautiful- writing each other love songs and so on. I miss your song and your voice…as I hoped that the girl you meant in the song was me. Silly enough, but I did.

I just want to tell you that the reason is because I don’t want to lose you. Everytime I know I annoyed you or something, I instaneously feared the worst..that you may go anytime. I don’t know how not to.. but I will try not to do that. I am sorry if I irritated you, sorry for being such a nuisance. I know I phail. I am sorry for not being good enough for you. I can’t play piano or guitar. I know there are many others who are better than me, and I should have realized how lucky I was. Now I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best..that you will accept my apology. To be honest, you shouldn’t. I have hurt you so many times. Even if you won’t talk to me anymore, or leave me, it makes sense..I deserve it.

Either way, know that I will always remember you..as the first man who ever taught me how it feels to truly love, to be loved, and how I should never take anyone for granted.

...

Dream beach. 

I believe I will encounter my dream beaches: inside my heart, in the real world, along the way. Every place I come to will hold pleasant beaches, where I can be happy.. be it when I am alone, when I am with many people…or when I am with you.