I was thinking randomly. Today had been a terrible day for me, and I can only hope it will not get worse..and pray tomorrow will be a better day. Then in my mind there lies a sea. 

I never really loved a sea that much. But today, I can’t stop thinking about a vast blue sea. The sea is deep blue, with a shining summer sun, in front of a golden beach. The white waves crack on the shore..it would be better if there is a solitary palm tree, beneath which lies two recliners.

Or it could be a sea in sunset, a pool of abstract colors, beneath purple-and-orange tinted sky. The palm is swaying and the waves crack silently, forming a plethora of colors. 

Or it could also be a sea in morning fog, cool and breezy, under a pleasant gray sky- or a sea at night, where it was really dark, and the waves crack viciously..but still pleasant.

If can, the sands must be golden and warm, and there is no one there- the sea is all mine. The sand is so thriving with life that there are many empty seashells, and the breeze are hitting my face. There are trees afar, and a shade under, where I can spend my day drinking milkshake and thinking about nothing.

There I will be left with the crashing waves. I can stand right on the border, and feel the wave taking the sand away from under my feet. Instead of getting scared, I would feel much better.

There alone. With no burden on my mind but silly questions…as I am free to watch the waves crack.

I have planned it all. I want to get engaged on a beach..to get married on a beach..to have my house built, all white, facing a big, empty beach..if can, I want to die on a beach.

....

I don’t know why problems come to me so fervently. It is so stressing these times- the city selection result, upcoming semester exam, the upcoming provincial selection, my recent defeat and failures. I would have a bad enough day without having this problem with you.

If I look back, everything seemed to be really beautiful- writing each other love songs and so on. I miss your song and your voice…as I hoped that the girl you meant in the song was me. Silly enough, but I did.

I just want to tell you that the reason is because I don’t want to lose you. Everytime I know I annoyed you or something, I instaneously feared the worst..that you may go anytime. I don’t know how not to.. but I will try not to do that. I am sorry if I irritated you, sorry for being such a nuisance. I know I phail. I am sorry for not being good enough for you. I can’t play piano or guitar. I know there are many others who are better than me, and I should have realized how lucky I was. Now I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best..that you will accept my apology. To be honest, you shouldn’t. I have hurt you so many times. Even if you won’t talk to me anymore, or leave me, it makes sense..I deserve it.

Either way, know that I will always remember you..as the first man who ever taught me how it feels to truly love, to be loved, and how I should never take anyone for granted.

...

Dream beach. 

I believe I will encounter my dream beaches: inside my heart, in the real world, along the way. Every place I come to will hold pleasant beaches, where I can be happy.. be it when I am alone, when I am with many people…or when I am with you. 

 

I'm really tired, disappointed, and sticky from the competition. 6th SeEDS in Mood, and what I've basically got is 2nd place in debate and 2nd best speaker. I know my school got the general winner and so on but it is so disappointing knowing that I could do better than that. :(

My career in debating began since I entered High School. In the holiday period between JHS graduation and SHS submission, I had been called to join the debate training in ChEsS- my school's debating club. It was really hard at the first time, and I felt really nervous, but anyway, I trained and trained. I still felt really nervous and desperate even until the morning of my first tournament. Then comes the ZOEC 2009, the first competition I ever joined. Right when it's my turn to speak, my nervousness is gone, and I know that debating is where I belong. I got 2nd place there. =)

Looking back, I guess I have improved quite significantly. Before, I was not even in the top ten best speakers, or something like that. I won 2nd places, 3rd places, then 1st place several times in lower-scale competitions. Well, I went through that with my lovely partner, who was already in the senior class by then. Anyway, when he graduated, I sought a new partner, and she's totally amazing!

We went to many competitions, and we decided that British parli is so much more fun than Asian style. Either way, in SECON 2011, we lost and only won the second place, but there I got my first best-speaker achievement. I was really shocked and never expected that, but I guess I was really happy then. :)

Then comes LEAD 2011 and I only won 2nd place...and 2nd best speaker. Then the most recent SeEDS that ended just several hours ago, where I won 2nd place, and 2nd best speaker...again. Or it could be third best speaker for reasons I don't know although I should have been on the second place.

What I'm feeling is...disappointment. 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 2nd. I'm tired of seconds in my life- when will I get my firsts~

Debate competitions are really tiring and exhausting, yet despite these I still thank debating. I guess it is a whole lot of fun, and I met so many friends and amazing people there. Yet, I won't stop. Until the UNHAS BP in June, which is held in me and Meiji's favourite style, and will be my last debate competition, I will keep working hard. And I hope GOD will grant what I always asked for- a 1st place grand slam debating trophy. :)


Aside of debating, I have other dreams. Fashion aside, I want to enter NUS and other universities, and probably, the highest UN score in Indonesia. But for now, I am concentrating on this: Informatics Olympiad. I was in Maths olympiad back then in Primary and Secondary high school, before I quitted the official delegation- but now I will also make my last comeback and I swear, I will do whatever it takes to be able to help me reach my goal- A Gold Medal. This will be my last Olympiad. The city selection result will be announced tomorrow (maybe), I'm still quite optimistic but anyway wish me luck!

This will be my last olympiad ever. And the olympic journey I went through since Primary School, will now end. Back then in the airport, when I had just had my maths silver medal, I promised my mom to bring her every single medals to come until I graduated from high school. It was 2006. 2007,2008,2009,2010 passed, and I really disappointed everyone. Despite having some achievements, I know I can do better. I know I can't give the past medals to my mom now, but I do hope I can close my last year to fulfill at least half of my promise.

In several months I will be in my senior year. Time flies so fast, and so much had happened. Love, tears, grades, exams, laughs, trophies, and I will catch up what I left so horribly in my freshman year. All I know is that I'm going to enter any competition that I can compete in, win as many trophies as I can, score the highest grade that I can, work as hard as I can, and do whatever it takes to close my journey with a gold medal. I want to close every journey that I had with the best one ;)