I had been in love once. And someone, You’re my almost perfect first love.

I honestly say that.. and that’s indeed true. But those times are over- the times when we fell in love madly.. and so hereby I will tell you my last confession.

You are the first man to ever steal my heart, and you did it for years. And I didn’t realize it for soo long. I always thought I had been in love with someone else.. but turned out it had always been you.  

Ah, how that times were really beautiful! There were once a time when I liked you, and it happened since we first met. I first cared about you when we became best friends. I loved you since…I don’t know when. I guess it was long, long ago, even before I first told you about it. Long before the whole-city blackout when the stars shone so bright and that very night you asked me out. Long before I gave you your birthday surprise. Long before you got your medal, and even before they started creating those pairing clubs. It has been so long before that I couldn’t even remember. Probably I had spent 1/3 of my life loving you. 

Doesn’t it sound beautiful?

And as a woman in love, you are perfect in my eyes. You’re cute, mysterious, religious, hardworking, you are nice and kind. I love you because you are smart, epic, but above all because you are you. And because of all that we’ve gone through. We used to be best friends, right?

I broke your heart many times. Dated with other people and played with your feelings. I just…didn’t know.

I’ll just skip that blurry friendship times with the time when we first dated. It was really amazing..and the best 17 weeks in my life. Every day feels like a miracle, and I remember everything clearly: the first hug, first holding hand, first ice cream, first “I love you”. That night when I told you, “Thanks for your care! I..love you..”, that was the first time I ever meant that words by heart to someone. Because you’re just so different…you’re my first love.

I always thought our love was real, that it will never disappear, that we are meant to be.

Turned out it isn’t as easy as I think.. 

But really, all the things I did to you, are from my heart. It feels really..beautiful. To give more and more and more. I tried to care for you and tend to you my best. Although we was not without troubles- we fought, we didn’t talk, but still those months were very beautiful. Do you have any idea how many tears I cried when we were apart?

And when I finally lost you, it feels as though my whole world went blank. I guess I simply loved you too much. It was my fault, and maybe a bit of your fault too.. but it was just so.. pathetic. 

The two months were hell. I won’t remember it here, nor do I want to go through that once again. It was just so painful that I hardly can breathe. The weird thing is that sometimes I just want to give up..but I can’t.

I remember one night when I had just cried for a whole hour for various things- the good memories that will never come back, angry because you can laugh as though nothing happened. I went to sleep trying to forget you, cursing you, but in my dream, you died. I guess my mind just reminded me that you worth too much.

And when they say there’s going to be a riot, and the first thing that crossed your mind is to tell you. You won’t know it is me who is texting you. I remember that time. We hadn’t talked nor texted for a month or so and when you texted me..with your emoticons and smileys, I realized I miss you so much.

After that we went back together- as friends. We didn’t date, but all the time I wonder if that will ever happen..if you still have feelings for me..

I woke up today realizing that you don’t. xD

I phail. I am sensitive, I am an annoyance and such a nuisance. I hurt you way too much I think I scared you off. :p But seriously… you changed. You are no longer the boy that I know.. for now you are so cold and so distant, and I can’t comprehend you anymore.

So I guess..for now, everything is already over.

I tried to continue..but now I’ve decided. I’m giving up. I am tired of all this. I don’t know if I will stop loving you, or what..but I will take off my burden. Trying to please you, trying to gain your attention, trying to steal your heart.. I guess it’s all of no use now. 

I might still love you, even if it hurts me. I guess I will just stop expecting and start to treat you as we were..friends. Maybe we are no longer best friends.. for things have changed too much. I might still love you, even if you don’t love me anymore. Or when I can’t bear it anymore..I’ll try to forget.

But I will always remember you. I will always remember the man who changed my life, who taught me so much. I will always remember the man who could make my heart skip a beat whenever he touched my hand.  I will always remember the man who taught me how it feels to love and to be loved, to love and not to be loved, to be loved but not to love. Maybe some time from now, I could love again- either you or someone else. We might be good friends like we were..or even best friends. But for now, I only want to say thanks. Thanks for everything, for being there, for having loved me. Thanks..

And goodbye.

And for the last time, I just want to tell you that.. I love you.

I was thinking randomly. Today had been a terrible day for me, and I can only hope it will not get worse..and pray tomorrow will be a better day. Then in my mind there lies a sea. 

I never really loved a sea that much. But today, I can’t stop thinking about a vast blue sea. The sea is deep blue, with a shining summer sun, in front of a golden beach. The white waves crack on the shore..it would be better if there is a solitary palm tree, beneath which lies two recliners.

Or it could be a sea in sunset, a pool of abstract colors, beneath purple-and-orange tinted sky. The palm is swaying and the waves crack silently, forming a plethora of colors. 

Or it could also be a sea in morning fog, cool and breezy, under a pleasant gray sky- or a sea at night, where it was really dark, and the waves crack viciously..but still pleasant.

If can, the sands must be golden and warm, and there is no one there- the sea is all mine. The sand is so thriving with life that there are many empty seashells, and the breeze are hitting my face. There are trees afar, and a shade under, where I can spend my day drinking milkshake and thinking about nothing.

There I will be left with the crashing waves. I can stand right on the border, and feel the wave taking the sand away from under my feet. Instead of getting scared, I would feel much better.

There alone. With no burden on my mind but silly questions…as I am free to watch the waves crack.

I have planned it all. I want to get engaged on a beach..to get married on a beach..to have my house built, all white, facing a big, empty beach..if can, I want to die on a beach.

....

I don’t know why problems come to me so fervently. It is so stressing these times- the city selection result, upcoming semester exam, the upcoming provincial selection, my recent defeat and failures. I would have a bad enough day without having this problem with you.

If I look back, everything seemed to be really beautiful- writing each other love songs and so on. I miss your song and your voice…as I hoped that the girl you meant in the song was me. Silly enough, but I did.

I just want to tell you that the reason is because I don’t want to lose you. Everytime I know I annoyed you or something, I instaneously feared the worst..that you may go anytime. I don’t know how not to.. but I will try not to do that. I am sorry if I irritated you, sorry for being such a nuisance. I know I phail. I am sorry for not being good enough for you. I can’t play piano or guitar. I know there are many others who are better than me, and I should have realized how lucky I was. Now I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best..that you will accept my apology. To be honest, you shouldn’t. I have hurt you so many times. Even if you won’t talk to me anymore, or leave me, it makes sense..I deserve it.

Either way, know that I will always remember you..as the first man who ever taught me how it feels to truly love, to be loved, and how I should never take anyone for granted.

...

Dream beach. 

I believe I will encounter my dream beaches: inside my heart, in the real world, along the way. Every place I come to will hold pleasant beaches, where I can be happy.. be it when I am alone, when I am with many people…or when I am with you. 

 

The question is: Why should people fall in love in the first place? No one expects it when they fall in love, yet it is always a moment to remember.

Falling in love brings you many things, and opens the world to you. Yet is is always absurd. You don't know when you fell in love, and you might not realize it for...years. :p But it is always the most beautiful thing in the world!

Today is May 17th, and it is a notable day. Not counting that it is Vesak day, OSK-announcement - 1 day, and exactly a month before my 16th birthday, it is also the birthdays of my lovely stepsister, my lovely debating soulmate, and a good junior high classmate. =D

The last 14th of May is suppposed to be my 7th monthsary. I didn't realize it until now since I was so busy but either wayy~

As I said before, love is an absurd thing. I look back at my own love experience and could laugh out loud at it because it is so silly. :p

I guess everything began in junior high school. Only now I see that I had always been in love with him all the time, for like...4 years now. I never thought of him more than as my best friend, but I didn't realize than he had always meant more than that. For that years, I unconsciously knew that I loved him...like the happy feeling that I get around him which I never got anywhere else, with my other best friends. Although I always shunned that feelings by then...I just realized how I loved him when we entered senior high.

He is all I dreamed to have. People would say he's not handsome, but I say he is. I love how he dresses...which is not as vicious as how I hunt for Zara tops of topshop heels...but he looks good (and smells good) everytime. xD He has the smoothest hair and sparkling eyes, and his arms are the best (weirdo). But he's smart, and I love when he teaches me chem. He plays guitar, which sounds amazing. He has curiosity, just like me. He mocks me and teases me like a brother, protects me like a dad, flirts, and understands me like no one else can. But the best thing that makes me fall in love with him is how we can talk bullshit from the Tiber river to spores to colors to Alexios V Doukas and feel sooooooooooo happy after! There's no one on the world who can share motivation, knowledge, and phailness with me like he does. :)

 After all we've been through, I just can't imagine how I could live without him.

He once lost a stabilo cap, and after tireless searching, it was not found. Then he picked the stabilo up and looks at it and caresses it like a child would do to a puppy, and said "Ah, poor one,", and he really looked like a kid by then. He's just tooooooo CUTE!!! xDD I'm not joking. I know my tastes are weird but..well, to each his own. xD

Love takes patience. Love takes two people that are together, and can't live without each other...without them knowing why. With him I see the world. xD There's something more romantic than "Baby, I love you," on 3 AM. Maybe I can start realizing that things like "Have you studied chem? If you don't understand, ask me, ok? ;)" is even more romantic than that.

:) have a good holiday everyone. xx

My all time favourite fictive character, after Jane Eyre and Elizabeth Darcy, is Amaranta Buendia.

Amaranta. I suggest you to read the novel first~ "One Hundred Years of Solitude," by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Either way, Amaranta, a woman with the bitter heart, cold as ice, resigning into solitude, afraid of love because of her cowardice, is just.....TOO COOL! <3

So when I got home from the tourney yesterday, I got a gift, which may be one of the good things that happened. A 3/4 guitar (which suits me since my fingers are too small), can be switched into electric mode, and classical. Before thinking for long, I decided to name her Amaranta. She will be my companion in solitude and bloody fingers. :p After two days, I can play the opening part of Romance d'Amour quite well, and I can play some simple songs. Still sounds quite bad but I'm really proud of it since I started from scratches. Either way, my fingers hurt now T.T

I got my constructive today from one of my adjus for the debate yesterday and I was really like OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SO IT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously. With all the caps. Because I just got enlightened but it is too late T___T I hope I can use my enlightenment for the next debates to come ^^

Many things are stressing me out. They said they're gonna just pick 3 per city for the city selection so that means the chances are quite slim. Numbers should get me optimistic, but I am afraid things are not as good as I hoped it'd be. I just wish, wish, really wish, God will not stop my dream. I honestly say that I waaaaant this so bad. And I don't want to be stopped- yet! Either way, many of our olympiad team will not get through...so early :( It makes me so sad, and lazy to study. But after posting I swear I will. I SWEAR I WILL.

Other things are going well. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'm gonna study until midnight or so, and then tinker with my new keyboard. And dear Amaranta of course. :p

One of the songs I'm learning now is Europe's I'll cry for you (acoustic). It's quite an easy song, but I choose it not only because it is easy but because it is what I feel for someone. =) Adios!

Why do birds suddenly appear?
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they want to be close to you..

Why do stars fall down from the sky?
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they want to be close to you..

On the day that you were born the angels come together, and decided to create dream come true..
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold and stars laid in your eyes of blue…

Now I know, why all the girls in town
Follow you all around..
Just like me, they want to be close to you..

I heard this song on my way home from the tourney- I’m so tired, but the epic song, remixed with a totally soothing jazzy touch, really made my night. And for that time on, until now, I wish you are right beside me. I would have chatted with you and told you about what a long day it had been and how tired I am, and everything will be ok..simply like that. :)

That song was really what I felt for you. By being near you, I became so much happy, and all my fears are gone. In my eyes, you’re almost flawless. I love how you walk and move and smile and all those things said in the song. Your hair aren't gold, your eyes aren't blue, but your hair is black and soft, and your eyes the sparkling brown that hypnotizes me like a quicksand. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. But that's true, so I guess I'm not.

It isn't like you feel all the same for me. I know we hurt each other way too much, but, know that all we've been through is the reason why I can't live without you. I fear losing your smile, and the laugh that I would actually record and play over and over again. It's so hard. And for the most part, it is me who is at fault =) I suck. Lol xD

But anyway, the time spent with you are the best in my life. You could still be mad to me, or still hate me.. I just want you to know that I don't want to lose you. I had been through it, losing you, and it was the worst nightmare ever. I just hope we could get things straight right again and laugh together again, like we used to do. Or anything. Anything, as long as you will stay by my side.

I'm really tired, disappointed, and sticky from the competition. 6th SeEDS in Mood, and what I've basically got is 2nd place in debate and 2nd best speaker. I know my school got the general winner and so on but it is so disappointing knowing that I could do better than that. :(

My career in debating began since I entered High School. In the holiday period between JHS graduation and SHS submission, I had been called to join the debate training in ChEsS- my school's debating club. It was really hard at the first time, and I felt really nervous, but anyway, I trained and trained. I still felt really nervous and desperate even until the morning of my first tournament. Then comes the ZOEC 2009, the first competition I ever joined. Right when it's my turn to speak, my nervousness is gone, and I know that debating is where I belong. I got 2nd place there. =)

Looking back, I guess I have improved quite significantly. Before, I was not even in the top ten best speakers, or something like that. I won 2nd places, 3rd places, then 1st place several times in lower-scale competitions. Well, I went through that with my lovely partner, who was already in the senior class by then. Anyway, when he graduated, I sought a new partner, and she's totally amazing!

We went to many competitions, and we decided that British parli is so much more fun than Asian style. Either way, in SECON 2011, we lost and only won the second place, but there I got my first best-speaker achievement. I was really shocked and never expected that, but I guess I was really happy then. :)

Then comes LEAD 2011 and I only won 2nd place...and 2nd best speaker. Then the most recent SeEDS that ended just several hours ago, where I won 2nd place, and 2nd best speaker...again. Or it could be third best speaker for reasons I don't know although I should have been on the second place.

What I'm feeling is...disappointment. 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 2nd. I'm tired of seconds in my life- when will I get my firsts~

Debate competitions are really tiring and exhausting, yet despite these I still thank debating. I guess it is a whole lot of fun, and I met so many friends and amazing people there. Yet, I won't stop. Until the UNHAS BP in June, which is held in me and Meiji's favourite style, and will be my last debate competition, I will keep working hard. And I hope GOD will grant what I always asked for- a 1st place grand slam debating trophy. :)


Aside of debating, I have other dreams. Fashion aside, I want to enter NUS and other universities, and probably, the highest UN score in Indonesia. But for now, I am concentrating on this: Informatics Olympiad. I was in Maths olympiad back then in Primary and Secondary high school, before I quitted the official delegation- but now I will also make my last comeback and I swear, I will do whatever it takes to be able to help me reach my goal- A Gold Medal. This will be my last Olympiad. The city selection result will be announced tomorrow (maybe), I'm still quite optimistic but anyway wish me luck!

This will be my last olympiad ever. And the olympic journey I went through since Primary School, will now end. Back then in the airport, when I had just had my maths silver medal, I promised my mom to bring her every single medals to come until I graduated from high school. It was 2006. 2007,2008,2009,2010 passed, and I really disappointed everyone. Despite having some achievements, I know I can do better. I know I can't give the past medals to my mom now, but I do hope I can close my last year to fulfill at least half of my promise.

In several months I will be in my senior year. Time flies so fast, and so much had happened. Love, tears, grades, exams, laughs, trophies, and I will catch up what I left so horribly in my freshman year. All I know is that I'm going to enter any competition that I can compete in, win as many trophies as I can, score the highest grade that I can, work as hard as I can, and do whatever it takes to close my journey with a gold medal. I want to close every journey that I had with the best one ;)

My last two days went perfectly ;)

I woke up on Saturday dawn and I was like, really happy! I was happy to begin with, and you know, morning weather sometimes affect your mood for the entire day. I really love those cool, foggy mornings after hard rain when it feels like afternoon instead of morning! It of course was really hazy and lazy so I had to literally drag myself out from the blanket to take a shower for school. Each class holds the christmas celebration and my class has that present-exchange! xDD I didn't get a good one actually but well~

After leaving school early, I went with my mom to pick some outfit. Then, salon and then going to my friend's birthday party down at Smile's!! I wore a Zara leopard-print one shoulder dress, Feela waist-length black military cardigan with buttons from the collar down to the bottom and a puff long sleeve. Plus glossy black diagonal-caged heels from Gosh, that makes me feel thousan times more sophisticated!!

The party went really well, wonderful and beautiful, and I was really happy for some reasons I won't say here :p Then, home~!


I was realy tired that today I woke up on 11. We had lunch at Smile's again >.< My parents -.- Either way, I somewhat feel really bubblegummy and picked up a plain sweet pink tees, inserted into a sweet greenish blue layered lacy skirt and a gray ankle heels. So I wore a gray half-length cardigan with puffy sleeve :)) and a thrifted bus-shaped bag! I absolutely LOVE that bag because it's pale gold, it has that colorful rainbow and a big 'EMILIAO' beside. It was KAWAIII <3

What really makes my day BOMBASTIC was when I shopped along with my mum I went by to Those Little Things She Needs and found my PERFECT PUMPS EVER.

It was black, and velvety, with the perfect height, perfect size. The tip was a bit pointy, but short, so it's cute, like Cissy's nose!! And it was so simply sophisticated! I LOVE IT. I got another pumps as well, a bit lower, and midnight-blue. It has blue posies in the front but the heels shape is cute!!!!


Going back to my task. Shall get everything seriously from tommorow. Till next time~

If you notice I have got rid of the page views graph! :D I don't like to see how the graph descended >.< It really eases my mind this way :))

I am free until 6 today. I have planned my daily timetable and now I shall fill my night from 6 onwards with studying! A daily school exercise chapter, UEEs exercise for one hour, one hour programming exercise and then any addition studying if there should be any exams. Then one hour of online world xD It shall be tough though T.T

I just realized the problem is..that I really want to do a lot of things. And I easily lost my passion and really easily distracted. I have like twenty things I want to do but now I really have to set on my priorities >.< now the thing I'd do is to manage time and finish my school things, if can, earlier than the expectd time. If I have really spare time and holidays then I'll slowly tick things out of my list...random passions like photography, languages and literature. xD Wish me luck though! When you work hard, weeks always feel soooo slow. And it's gonna be tough. But it's the only path and I will try my hardest!!


In the meantime of my free hour...which should dissapear soon when school is already back to its normal activities..I will post my wishlist. xD

mustard skirt. Really enchanting with pastel coloured or denim tops :))

Gorgeous pastel pumps <3

cape =33

and vintage dresses and cardigans. I have a total cardigan and blazer shortage right now!! Oh, and shirts, all kind of shirts >.< Really, really many things in my shopping list, and really have to find spare time to tick them off because soon I'd have no time to shop at all! :((

There. Now I shall go to sleep, because I only slept for 3 hours last night due to watching Marie Antoinette. Fashionable movie!! For 18th century style o.o

See ya, then. c.h.e.e.r.i.o~!!

I found this amazing site weheartit.com!! <3
They have really cool pictures which I will post here. Heart 'em! =D

There :)

Good photography and fashion really makes me feel thousand times better!! :)) Till next time!! Cheerios ^^

 

I randomly decided to do some random clothes mixmatch :3

Since my day is free I decided to try on some clothes mixmatch, looking for inspiration from various fashion blogs. I come up with some idea, but all my items ended up on the most outrageous places!! Not only that high heels on laptop, I also have that pile of clothes on bed and a whole wardrobe cupboard disarray :p My floor looked like a sea of pumps and socks and it was really messy..now that I gathered everything up, I am so tired T.T

I come up with some good idea, but not sure whether I'd really wear them to any  party or what. I always loved to let myself get panicked and then the inspiration would come suddenly, like the idea lightbulb going 'ting!' XD Only I realized I looked quite boring this lately :(( I so need new inspiration. It was really fun though!! And I realized I have sooo many pieces I only used once, or even some I have never wore. I will surely plan out outfits from them :))

Till then, see ya~! XoXo